Across these sad waters and across my heart

I´ve been caught up in a big, booming wave of my own emotions for a while now. And it was a painful time for me; I was so close to drowning. I was swirling around in utter black darkness, fully confused about the meaning of all these things. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and I just couldn’t figure out for what reasons this Incident happened to me. I just couldnt get a hold of why it happened to me out of all people.

And I prayed to god to tell me why it happened to me, and I also thanked him. Although I was broken, I thanked him. I thanked him in advance for the pain. Because I knew that I would get over it -him- eventually. Just not yet, but I knew I would. And I knew that I would learn a lot from this experience. That was five weeks ago. I´ve grown up so much in these days after The Incident. And I got the answer to my question: Why me? It happened to me because I felt overly confident, I thought only about myself, how I was worthy enough for someone like him, I was being selfish. I jumped into the water without thinking about its depth and my non-existant swimming skills.

And after all this time, the bubbling water took me in as one of its own. And I learned to swim with the creatures I once feared, and they helped me get back to the shore. And now I am back, but I know how to swim. Yes, I have wrinkly skin and wounds from my struggle, but thats nothing a swab of cream can’t cure. 😉

I´m back with alot of experiences that I would like to share with you, and through out this whole dramatic experience, I figured out how to take care of myself, and what works for me,and how to use what I got to look decent enough for my judgemental self to shut up. So just comment down below what you want to know or read, because this is a new start and I need some help here. ((And like always,I would enjoy some feedback from my loyal readers.I rarely get any))

all the love

xoxo,Antonia

My Thoughts About: Boarding School

Since Fifth Grade, I have dreamed about going to a British Boarding School. My visions were biased by books and movies,and I knew that. But it did not keep me from coming.

Coming here was my own choice,and maybe I just came to run away from my troubles, but this experience made me realize so many things.

Yes it is hard without your parents and friends,but you only know what you have once you are without it. And this is true.

Being here made me stronger, and I have collected so many new experiences and memories. I’m having fun and seeing that my academic grades are finally increasing after two years of struggling,makes me incredibly happy and proud of myself.

But being here has also pulled me down emotionally.

Knowing that I basically live in my school is horribly stressful for me. It makes me weak.Here, I am all alone. Yes,I have the other boarders from whom I know that they go through the same thing, but it is hard for all of us. And I have to stay strong,even if I have been strong for too long. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down,and I know that my friends do everything they can to help me get back up. (Even if it is singing “What makes you beautiful” until I laugh and join in)

And that’s what I love about this.

We all struggle, but we stay strong,together.

Coming here was my own choice, and I cannot say that I regret I a bit. But I can say that living out of your comfort zone is hard to do. And that’s a part of growing up. So whatever you do, do it with confidence.

And this something I have learned over the last three months, do it with confidence or not at all. Because even if you embarrass yourself, you might not ever see these people that pull you down again, so it does not matter.

I hope I answered some of your unasked questions,but If you have any more questions just leave them in the comment section below so I can answer them in the near future.

xoxo,

Antonia